I think it has always been you
by you4me
Summary: Ashley and Spencer... Best friends, Lovers, Soulmates? So many options... I don't think they even know what they really mean to each other... Rated M for language and sexual and mild drug content...
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

I push my front door open, drop all my bags in the hallway and head straight for my lounge kicking off my shoes along the way, I throw myself on the sofa getting comfortable and lying on my back " _thank god I'm finally home_ " I mutter to myself, I lay my head back against a cushion and feel my eye grow heavy and don't fight it as sleep overcomes me.

An annoying noise wakes me up I angrily grab my phone, I wish people would just let my sleep, I blindly press answer " _What?"_ my grumpy greeting is cut off by a very excited squeal that I instantly recognise and it causes me to smile and say " _Hey beautiful_ " I receive a small giggle and then " _OH MY GOD Ash I so happy that your home I've missed you so much, sorry I couldn't meet you at the airport but you were silly and booked a Sunday flight home and you know how my mum is with me missing church_ " I sense this could turn into a classic Spencer Carlin ramble so I cut her off " _Spence I told you its ok, you've been a part of my life long enough to know not to mess with Paula Carlin and church_ " we both laugh and she says " _you have no idea how much I've missed your face Ash_ " " _Dork_ " she giggles at my response which causes me to let out a giggle in return which rarely happens and only when I'm with her or talking to her so I know what it coming next, I hear her fake gasp and then " _OH MY GOD did THE Ashley Davies actually just giggle, someone alert the press badass Ashley Davies has giggled_ " " _only for your ears darling_ " " _aww Ash_ " I can particularly feel her blush through the phone and it amazes me that even after all these years I still have this effect on her, she can be so innocent sometimes, we sit in peaceful silence for a few minutes and then she speaks again " _your still coming around this afternoon right_?" " _of course I wouldn't miss it for the world_ " " _good, well hurry up and get your butt over here_ " " _ok, ok bossy_ " " _see you soon love you" "yeah yeah love you too_ ", I put my phone down and go to get ready for the traditional Sunday afternoon at the Carlin's. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't missed the little things like chilled out Sunday afternoons in Spencer's parents back garden.

My name is Ashley Davies, I'm 23 and I am what the world likes to call a 'Rockstar', whatever I just love writing music and then preforming it but apparently when you're as talented as I am fame is a part of your life, I have just finished a 8 month world tour and I haven't seen Spencer in 3 months, I flew her to London to watch one of my shows I don't think I could have managed the whole 8 months with just phone calls and the occasional facetime anyway the sooner I get ready the sooner I can see her.

I pull up outside the Carlin household and it gives me a homely feeling straight away like it always does, it's been like that since I was 13 years old, somethings will never change.

Butterflies start up in my stomach as I walk up the steps towards the front door, I can't be nervous, why would I be nervous? this is home I'm just excited I tell myself, Ashley Davies doesn't get nervous, I let myself in the front door like always and jokingly call out " _Honey I'm home_ " before I can even take another step I am tackled by a squealing blonde, her arms circle my neck and her legs wrap around my waist, I stumble a little but catch myself and wrap my arms around her waist and bury my face into her neck breathing in her scent that is another thing that hasn't changed over the last 10 years, I suddenly realise that she is what feels like home and that the only time I ever feel this peaceful and calm is when I am with her, it's not the house it's the person the house holds, my mind start to spin at the realisation and I'm so caught up in my own thoughts that I don't hear Spencer talking to me but I do feel her pull back from me, my arms are still tightly around her waist and to my delight her legs are still wrapped around me " _Ash?_ " " _mmmm…_ " her laugh snaps me back to reality " _what?"_ I ask and she laughs again and places her legs back down on the floor, I release her from my hold and I instantly miss her touch, what is going on with me? I'm sure it's just because I've missed her, she laughs again and I look up at her and raise a challenging eyebrow at her " _what's so funny?_ " " _you completely zoned out I was talking to you and you were off in your own world_ " " _oh sorry I must be jetlagged_ " I lamely reply, yeah that's it I'm just tired and I missed her so nothing out of the ordinary I'll be completely back to normal once I've had some sleep.

" _Come on everyone's out the back and dying to see you_ " she grabs my hand and sparks shoot up my arm and it makes my head spin again and before I'm even really aware of what's happening we are outside and everyone is rushing over to me and asking me questions that I'm not really catching and barely managing to answering, I'm used to attention I can't go anywhere without getting it but my heads so dizzy right now that I'm struggling to keep up with what's going on around me, however I can't help but notice that Spencer's hand is still in mine our fingers intertwined she squeezes it and whispers in my ear " _are you ok? You seem a bit out of it_ " I manage to shake off some of the dizziness and respond " _yeah, yeah I'm fine just taking in being back_ " I slip my hand out of hers so that I can think straight, what the hell is wrong with me? sort it out Davies.

I finally take a proper look around the garden to see who is here, it's the normal group Spencer's Mum Paula and Dad Arthur, her brother Glen and his very pregnant wife Maddison, her other brother Clay, his wife Chelsea and their 4 year old son Mason, then there is my sister Kyla and her husband Aiden who is also my guy best friend, I smile as I realise how much I've missed them all even Maddison, we all take a seat and Maddison quickly pipes up " _Hey Slut_ " " _getting fat Maddy_ " I reply everyone laughs as we share a secret smile, we don't really hate each other.

The afternoon is turning into evening and conversation is flowing, I have managed to catch up with everything that's going on in everyone's lives but I feel like I've barely spoken to Spencer, I look around and notice she is no longer outside, she is probably helping Paula with something in the kitchen, so I excuse myself from the table grabbing my empty glass as I stand and head towards the kitchen I can hear Paula and Spencer talking " _So dear how come you didn't invite Patrick tonight?"_ I frown to myself and stop walking, whose Patrick and why would he be invited to Sunday afternoon it's a family thing, Spencer's response catches me off guard " _It's Ashley's homecoming and I didn't want to take any attention away from her_ " my frown deepens why would this Patrick guy take attention away from me? " _Spence please tell me you've told her about him?_ " Paula's using her disapproving voice but I have no idea why " _Mum there just hasn't been a right moment but I will soon ok but please just let me tell her ok?"_ " _you have to tell her soon honey, you were going to tell her in London and you didn't_ " tell me what in London that was 3 months ago, what has Spencer been keeping from me for all that time " _I will mum ok_ " " _you and Patrick have been together for 5 months now and you are moving in together she is going to find out sooner or later_ " and that's it that's what my best friend of 10 years has been hiding from me, my stomach drops and I hear my heart break, I slightly feel the glass slip from my hand and I hear the glass smash around my feet but I am frozen in place unable to move, I can't believe she didn't tell me, we tell each other everything we always have, why wouldn't she tell me something this important? " _Ash?... Ashley are you ok?_ " " _umm yeah I've got to go, bye"_ and with that I turn and leave the house I can hear her calling after me but I ignore her and get in my car and speed off, I touch my face and feel tears that I wasn't even aware I had let fall.

What the hell just happened?


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

I pull into the car park of Ego " _Fuck_ " I mutter to myself its already busy I can't go in there alone I'll get mobbed " _ARGH I just want a drink_ " I pull out my phone ignoring the multiple missed calls and messages, I hit 4 on my speed dial raising it to my ear I hear it ring a few times before someone answers " _Ashley?_ " a girls voice sounds at the other end " _Frankie?_ " I question _"Yeah sorry Dave's just in the bathroom are you ok?" "Yeah, sorry I shouldn't of called" "no Ash what's wrong?" "Nothing I'm just outside Ego and it's busier than I thought it would be and I'll get mobbed if I go in on my own and well… I really need to drink" "I thought tonight was family night?" "family sucks" "we will be there in 10 minutes don't leave your car ok_ " and the line cuts off.

I check my makeup in the mirror my mascara has run from the tears I didn't even notice I was crying, I sort my face out whilst my mind runs over everything that happened tonight I can't believe she lied to me, it doesn't make any sense why would she lie about a guy she's dating? During our friendship she has had plenty of boyfriends and never had a problem telling me about them, so what's so different about this Patrick guy? Ugh seriously what sort of name is Patrick anyways? I need to forget about this and the only thing that will fix my current mood is shots lots and lots of shots.

There is a knock on the window I look up and I am greeted by the sight of Dave and Frankie, I climb out and hug them both " _Thank you for coming I know it's the first night back after 8 months_ " Frankie replies for them " _no problem Ash it's been awhile since I've had a night out curtesy of THE Ashley Davies_ " we laugh a little and I turn to Dave and smirk " _I'm going to get your girlfriend wasted, but don't worry I'm giving you a pay rise_ " we all laugh again as we head for the entrance of the club, Dave walks slightly in front of me while Frankie links arms with me " _want to tell me what happened tonight?"_ she questions as Dave is talking to the club doormen " _No_ " I bluntly reply receiving a nod of acknowledgment in return.

People have started to notice me and I wish they would hurry up and get me inside I just want a drink, flashes of light start up as people start snapping photos of me and they are calling my name, I manage a small smile and a wave before I am ushered into the club and up into the VIP area.

Me and Frankie sit in one of the booths whilst Dave stands at the edge of the table keeping an eye out, his a good man he has been my head of security for 6 years now and I set him and Frankie up about 5 years ago, he just needs to finally grow a pair and ask her to marry him, I'm knocked out of my thought by a pretty brunette " _Miss Davies great to see you again what can I get you this evening?" "A bottle of vodka and multiple beers just keep them coming… oh and bring up shot glasses please_ " she nods gives me a sexy smirk and walks away, I watch her sway her hips as she leaves and smirk a little to myself I think tonight is going to be fun after all.

I'm not sure how long we have been here but I am starting to feel tipsy and I'm pretty sure Frankie is wasted we've nearly finished the vodka and the beers have been flowing and my mood is slowly improving maybe that's because my mind is starting to fog over, I walk over to Dave " _Hey thanks for doing this I know I ask a lot of you" "Ash it's my job so you don't need to thank me ok" "anyways I forgot to tell you that if Spencer comes looking for me I don't want to see her ok so don't let her through_ " he raises a questioning eyebrow at me I've never asked him to keep her from me before normally I'm asking him to protect her over me so I'm guessing his shocked by my request, before he can say anything I cut him off " _I don't want to see her and no I don't want to talk about it_ " I walk back to the table and slam back 3 shots and down the rest of my beer and now I am feeling drunk it feels good I can feel the alcohol racing through my veins, I sit back next to Frankie whilst I wait for the sexy waitress to come back so I can ask her if she will accompany me to the toilet she's been flirting with me all night so I highly doubt I'll get knocked back, I laugh at that thought I never get knocked back girls practically throw themselves at me and I love every minute of it.

Suddenly Frankie is squealing Spencer's name and jumping up from the table, I look up and see her stood there with Kyla and Aiden behind her, I glare over at Dave " _You're a terrible bodyguard_ " I say, he just shrugs and gives me a smile, I turn to Frankie and say " _his not getting his pay rise now_ " she giggles but I don't think she understands what's going on, " _Ash can we talk please?"_ Spence says " _no_ " I simply state, she looks upset but I don't care she lied to me for months and hurt me I refuse to feel sorry for her, just her presence near me is making my anger boil up inside me again " _Ash come on I'm sorry but you've been away.."_ I cut her off " _I don't care Spencer just leave me alone_ " " _NO_ " she shouts back she looks angry now and I know now that if I don't walk away we will end up in a very big public fight and even though I'm drunk and angry I still know that that will not be good for anyone I grit my teeth and say " _Fine stay see if I care_ " I walk away from her and towards the sexy waitress that's walking back up into the VIP area, I need to get my buzz back.

Spencer's POV

I watch Ashley walk away from me for the second time tonight, I never meant for her to find out this way and I definitely didn't mean to hurt her, I know I should have told her it's just I was scared of exactly this happening but now I'm just angry at her for not hearing me out " _ARGH_ " I grunt out, I feel Kyla come up beside me " _Spence she's wasted she's not going to listen to you tonight maybe we should just go" "No I'm staying_ " I reply we are still looking at her she's got her hand on the waitresses lower back and is whispering something in her ear which makes her laugh, typical Ashley Davies move she's found her girl of the night I guess, the girl walks away and 2 minutes later a guy I know and hate walks up to her and I grit my teeth as I watch him hug her and slip something into her back pocket, now I'm really angry what the hell is she playing at? I look over to Kyla and Aiden to see if they saw what I did and their faces are full of disappointment which I'm sure is an expression I'm mirroring, by the time I turn back to her ready to go over and have it out with her she is gone and I can't find her anywhere " _Argh for god sake what is she playing at?_ " I shout out and Aiden jumps in " _We can't stop her Spence she's already drunk, you know what she gets like_ ".

Ashley POV

Now that I have what I need to really forget this night I head off towards the bathroom grabbing the waitress on the way she giggles but follows me, I lead her into one of the stalls, shut the door and push her up against it and kiss her she smiles into the kiss and moves her hands into my hair pulling me further into her, I pull away slightly and pull the item out of my back pocket, I lift the baggie of white powder up to her eye line and look at her, the smirk that crosses her face proves to me that I picked the right company for my night.

I am officially buzzed my whole body is tingling and I now have the girl pressed back up against the toilet door, I'm kissing down her neck and she is moaning into my hair, my mind is completely blank and that is exactly what I wanted, I run my hands down her body, I unbutton her trousers and waste no time in slipping my hand into her pants and inside of her, I hear her gasp and then loudly moan and I know this won't take long which suits me fine, I'm slamming my fingers in and out of her and I feel her tighten around my fingers and I know she is close so I curl my fingers and hit her G-spot her whole body tenses and she screams _"FFFUUUCCCCKKK"_ as she falls over the edge, before I know what's happening my back is against the door and her hand is sliding into my pants I roll my hips up and lean my head back and let out a loud moan as her fingers slide inside of me " _Fuck_ " I moan as she starts going harder and faster and I know I'm close, I close my eyes as she curls her fingers and I feel myself clench around her hand, I moan out long and loud as I start to climax but just as it hits my body full force Spencer's face appears in my mind, my eyes shoot open and I struggle to catch my breath " _FUCK_ " I shout shaking my head what the fuck was that? I push the confused girl away from me quickly apologising, I do my trousers up and open the toilet the door.

I gasp in shock as I see Spencer stood by the sinks arms crossed, staring at me with an expression I can't put my finger on, I shake my head and turn to leave but I feel a hand grip my wrist and then her other hand reaches into my back pocket and I drop my head and stare at the floor, I hear her sigh and slowly look up at her, she's looking at her hand which is holding the now empty baggie, when she finally looks at me I now know the expression she is wearing its disappointment.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Spencer's POV

I'm leaning up against the sinks in the bathroom waiting for Ashley to come out I know they are in there they're not exactly being quiet, normally this side of Ashley doesn't bother me we have been friends long enough to know how she works, but tonight listening to this is really bothering me, maybe it's because I know I'm the reason for her acting like this or maybe it's because tonight was meant to be my night to spend with her, whatever it is I hate it, I feel my anger boiling inside me, how could she be so stupid I know she's upset but she promised me in London that she wouldn't touch it again and every time we've talked about it since she says she hasn't touched drugs since, has she been lying to me the whole time?

I hear the door unlock and I cross my arms over my chest and look at her as she exits the cubicle, she looks surprised to see me, her eyes are all glazed over and I can already tell she is completely out of it the sight of her like that sends my anger level through the roof, she turns to leave and I grab her wrist and stop her from leaving, I reach into her back pocket and pull out the baggie and sigh it's empty, I look back at her and her face is completely vacant, where has my Ashley gone?

Ashley POV

I need to get out of here I can't handle the way she is looking at me, I turn and try and leave again but she pulls my arm back swinging me back to face her I stumble and put my arm out to catch myself but I fall into the wall and realise how wasted I really am, I can't do this with her right now I have to leave, " _What the hell Ashley? You promised me you wouldn't touch this again?_ " I can't even reply I just pull my wrist out of her grip and walk out of the door, I can hear her behind me trying to get my attention this is completely ruining my buzz, I need to find Dave and go home.

I stumble my way back to Dave " _Can you take me home please?"_ I slur, he nods and holds onto my arm in an attempt to help me walk straight, Frankie is stumbling beside me and I giggle at her which sets her off into a fit of giggles, we are now by the exit and I can feel the cool air hit my face, I stumble out of the exit and I already know I'm going to feel this in the morning but right now I don't care I feel like I'm floating.

" _ASHLEY"_ I turn towards the voice seeing Spencer looking very angry " _What Spencer?" "What the hell are you playing at?" "Forgetting about you" "I can't believe you would do this, we need to talk" "No we don't you need to leave me the fuck alone"_ We are both shouting now and I'm sure we are attracting a crowd because I can hear Dave trying to calm me down and I can see Kyla trying to do the same with to Spencer, " _Did you know about this Kyla?"_ I ask already knowing the answer but I want to hear her say it " _Ash.."_ she's struggling to find words " _Your my fucking sister Ky, seriously what the hell?" "Ash?"_ That's Aiden, I shake my head and I glare at him " _Don't even get me started on you Aiden, you can all go to hell" "Ash please just let me explain.. your overreacting"_ I stare at Spencer in disbelief then I laugh in her face " _I'm overreacting really… my BEST friend of 10 years has spent the past 5 months lying to me and would still be lying if I hadn't have accidently found out so please tell me how exactly am I overreacting?"_ I shout at her and now I'm 100% sure we have everyone's attention, I'm not the only one that makes the front pages of the newspapers the media love Spencer, Ashley Davies' straight best friend is a well-known face and as we have never had a public fight I'm guessing this little show will be everywhere by the morning, " _You've been away Ashley remember when exactly was I meant to tell you, 8 months is a long time things change" "I'll tell you when you could of told me, how about every day when I rang you no matter how long and crazy my day had been I still made sure I rang, you could of told me during any of those phone calls, or how about when I flew you to London to spend the week with me any of those times would have been fine" "I wanted to tell you in person and I think we both know why I didn't tell you in London"_ I glare at her how dare she bring that up and in front of everyone, the look of regret now covering her face tells me she didn't mean to say that last bit but it's too late now it's out there " _Ash I'm sorry I didn't mean that I…_ " she reaches for my arm and pull it away from her " _No Spence don't, just… just please leave me alone… don't follow me_ " I turn to Dave and say " _home please_ " he pulls me away from the crowd and helps me into the car, as soon as the door closes I let the tears fall, I can't believe her.


	4. Chapter 4

**AUTHORS NOTES**

 **Thank you for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy the story, this is the first story I've ever written so any reviews/opinions are welcome and I really appreciate them...**

 **I may even reveal what happened in London soon :-)**

CHAPTER 4

The sun shining through my window wakes me up, guess I forgot to close my curtains last night, rolling over to face away from the light I let out a groan as my head starts to pound and memories from last night start to whirl around my mind, today is not going to be fun, I get up and go get some painkillers and water to try and reduce this headache I've got.

I can hear my phone ringing somewhere and however much I really want to just ignore it and go back to bed I know the chances are it's my manager and I longer I leave it the worst it will be when I finally do speak to him, I go and look for it and find it on the stairs I look at it and see I have 34 missed calls, 6 voicemails and 51 messages " _Jesus"_ I mutter and decide to check my voicemails first, the last one was left an hour ago it's from Mark his my Manager " _Ashley what the hell? I thought you were having a quiet night in with Spencer not going out and causing a scene, ring me ASAP"_ next one is Kyla " _Ash I'm sorry please ring me when you wake up I'm worried about you"_ Delete! The next four are all from last night one from Aiden asking where I am, one from Kyla asking me to go back to the Carlin's house and two are from Spencer first one is from just after I left the house " _Ashley I'm sorry can you please come back so we can talk.. I'm sorry"_ the second one is after our fight she's crying and just hearing her so upset is making my heart hurt " _Please Ash let me know that you are ok, I'm so sorry everything has got so out of hand and I feel like I'm drowning, I'm sorry I didn't mean to say what I did, please call me back I'm worried about you"_ everything is so messed up me and Spencer never fall out especially not so publicly, I wonder for a second why I am so bothered by this but then I remember she has been lying to me and we have never lied to each other before, I clear all the missed calls and ignore all the messages that aren't from Mark or Spencer, Marks is a simple 'Call me as soon as your awake!' and there are a few from Spencer so I just read the last one 'Please can I see you when your sober we really need to talk?' I quickly decide to reply before I change my mind 'I'm awake, front doors unlocked!'

I better speak to Mark before he has a breakdown, I dial his number it only rings once before he answers " _What the hell are you playing at Ashley the media are having a field day, what happened?" "We just had a fight what's the big deal?" "You two never fight.. Ash there are videos going viral as we speak and we can't stop them," "So let them I'm only human Mark I'm allowed to fall out with my best friend" "Have you seen any of the headlines today?" "No why?" "Ash everyone is asking what happened in London, PR are going crazy what are we going to release?" "Shit, fuck Argh"_ I slam my hand into the counter, this is not going to end well, I hear the front door open and close and turn and watch her shyly walk towards me stopping at the door and leaning up against the door frame, god she's so beautiful, Huh? I shake my head clear of all thoughts like that " _Ash…Ash…ASHLEY.." "Huh what sorry Mark" "We're doing a press conference tomorrow at noon," "Ok, I've got to go Spencer's here"_ and I hang up before he can reply, we haven't taken our eyes off of each other since she walked in, she looks like she hasn't slept and I probably don't look any better she shyly says " _Hey" "Hi"_ I reply just as shyly, she points at my phone and asks " _Mark?"_ I nod _"Yeah, it would appear that last night has already gone viral, thanks to the wonderful creation of camera phones" "I know the press are camped out outside both our houses" "Great"_ I mutter and she moves closer to me, but I move to the side and walk around her into the lounge and take a seat on the single chair so that she can't sit to close to me.

We are sitting in my lounge in silence, and for the first time in forever its uncomfortable and awkward, I start to fidget and I can feel myself starting to come down my headache has eased off a little thank god but I could really do without this awkwardness right now, I hear her clear her throat and I think she is finally going to speak " _Ashley are you still using?"_ I look at her and let out a little laugh and shake my head " _I don't think my drug use is the main issue here Spencer… but no I'm not last night was the first time since.. you know"_ she nods and looks down at her hands before she looks up and our eyes lock, her eyes are so beautiful, crystal blue so deep you could drown in them, I have to look away, why am I thinking all these things about her? I finally ask the question that has been on my mind since last night " _Why didn't you tell me?" "Honestly I was scared" "Of what, me?" "No not of you but of your reaction yes, I am sorry that I lied I've tried so many times to tell you but I just haven't been able to find the right words" "What is so scary about telling me? We tell each other everything" "I know, I know and you will never understand how sorry I really am but ugh I don't know, at first it was nothing so it wasn't even important enough for me to bring up to you, especially as we were on limited calls, he was just another guy my mother set me up with, but then I got to know him and I don't know, his really sweet and kind and understanding and I…." "Fell in love with him"_ I finish for her, she nods " _I guess I did, so I was going to tell you I swear I was but… then London happened so I didn't and then the longer I waited the harder it got"_ I take a deep breath and calm my emotions and make a decision, she's my best friend and I can't live without her so I bury my own feelings deep down and say " _Ok tell me about him?"_ she looks at me shocked for a moment and then smiles a little " _Really?"_ I think for a moment am I really going to put myself through this? Then I nod and answer _"yeah, his obviously important to you so tell me about him"_ I guess that answered my question.

Spencer has just spent the past 15 minutes telling me about Patrick and however much I don't want to admit it he actually sounds pretty prefect, Paula must be over the moon his everything she wants in a boyfriend for Spencer, his a Doctor and his family go to the same church as Spencer and her family, apparently he has a nice house, hell the guy even does charity work for god sake, I never stood a chance, Huh? What? Why would I want to stand a chance with Spencer? Why would I even think that? Ugh I give up with my brain today.

" _He sounds… great, prefect even"_ I look down at my hands, sort it out Ashley what the hell is wrong with you? " _Yeah well I like him... Ash?"_ I look up at her _"Yeah?" "Are we ok?" "I'm not going to lie Spence I'm still mad that you lied to me for so long, but I'll get over it so we will be fine" "Ok I'm sorry I lied.."_ I clear my throat and stand up I really need to get back to bed " _Ash?"_ she calls out again, I turn to look at her and nod so she continues _"You know the media are going crazy wanting to know what happened in London right?"_ I just simply nod again so she asks _"What are you going to tell them?"_ this time I reply _"The truth"_ I state, she looks surprised at my answer _"Really…?" "Yeah I'd rather state my side of the story than some journalist found out somehow and twist it all up" "How much do you actually remember?"_ I look at her, I know why she is asking me this but I'm not sure how I want to answer, this is a question we've both avoided since everything happened, I turn away from her, I really need to go back to bed, I start walking towards the stairs and just before I reach them I say just loud enough for her to hear me " _More than you think I do…"_


	5. Chapter 5

**AUTHORS NOTES:**

 **Sorry about the slight delay on the update, weekends are my busiest time at work and then this chapter is a long one and I had to make sure I was happy with it, hope you all enjoy it.**

CHAPTER 5

I wake up to the sound of someone making noise in my kitchen, god I hope Kyla isn't here I can't be dealing with her yet, she has a way of digging and digging until you can't help but reveal all your secrets to her I can't even lie to her as she can tell when I'm lying, so I am going to try and avoid her, I know it sounds harsh she is my sister but I need to work out what is going on with me first before I start revealing my soul to her. I should really pre-warn her about the press conference though, I'll just text her, I lean over and grab my phone opening up the message screen I type 'Hi, just wanted to let you know I am doing a press conference at 12 and I will be telling them what happened in London' I hit send and hear more noise coming from downstairs, oh yeah someone is in my house, I jump out of bed put some clothes on and head downstairs, as I round the corner towards the kitchen I can smell bacon cooking and I can hear the radio quietly playing I get to the door and can see Spencer facing away from me cooking and slowly swaying and humming to the song that is currently playing I pause in the doorway and just watch her, how have I never noticed how amazing she looks, of course I've always been aware of her beauty I'm not blind but it has never made me feel like this before, my heart is racing and my palms are sweating, she is so prefect… and taken Ashley, she's taken and straight, stop thinking about her like that, she turns around and jumps a little when she sees me, she is now blushing but she hasn't taken her eyes off of me, I give her a smile and say " _You stayed?" "Yeah I hope you don't mind I wanted to make sure you were OK, you slept for hours"_ I look down a little and then move over to the counter and take a seat " _Of course I don't mind, it means I get cooked breakfast"_ I give her a cheeky grin and laugh a little, she just rolls her eyes and asks " _What time is your press conference?" "12, will you come with me?" "Yeah of course I will" "Thanks"_ we eat in silence and I'm just enjoying being around her, I really have missed her, then a thought hits me " _What about Patrick?"_ she looks at me confused " _What about Patrick?"_ She questions " _Well you can't have seen him since Sunday morning it's now Tuesday and you have just agreed to come with me today so you can't have had any other plans, does he not want to see you?" "Like I said his very understanding, he knows I took the week off to spend with you and he knows about Sunday night so he understands this is where I need to be right now"_ I just nod in response and get up to go and get showered, as I'm on my way out of the kitchen she calls me back " _oh and Ash… just to let you know even if I had plans I would always drop them for you"_ I look back and our eyes lock, there is something different about the way she is looking at me but I can't work out what, I give her a smile and say " _I would too"._

It is 11.50am and we have just pulled into the car park of Record Label that I am signed too, I'm starting to feel a bit nervous I am about to tell the world one of my biggest secrets, the only people that know about what happen are of course Spencer and then Kyla, Aiden, Dave, my Dad and Mark who worked his arse off to keep it out of the papers, I look at Spence who gives me a reassuring smile and then climb out of the car and work towards the building I look up at the sign above the door 'DAVIES RECORDS' no I don't own the label but my Dad does, I will take over one day but at the moment I love the performing part of my job to give it up to work in the office, I take a deep breath and hold the door open for Spencer to walk through " _Let's get this over with"_ I say and walk over to the room that holds a whole load of journalists.

I am sat here in front of a lot of press and I now feeling extremely nervous, there is a camera recording a live stream to the internet and then multiple other cameras around the place, Spencer is off to the left of the room but I can see her out of the corner of my eye and Mark is sat on my left and my Dad is sat to my right he gives my hand a squeeze and I give him a grateful smile, I clear my throat and start talking " _Firstly I would like to thank you all for coming today, as we are all aware I made a very public scene on Sunday night and for that I would like to apologise to all my fans for my behaviour, but I think we all know that that is not why you all turned up today, it was revealed during that scene that something happened in London and a lot of rumours and questions have been flying about and I am here today to clear all this up…"_ I take a deep breath and look at Spencer, here goes nothing…

Spencer's POV

Ashley looks over at me as she takes a deep breath preparing herself for what she is going to say next, she looks nervous, to be honest I'm nervous too, I'm still not sure what she is going to tell them as I don't know what exactly she remember, oh well time to find out I guess, she looks back to the crowd and starts talking " _In the past I have dabbled with recreational drugs I wouldn't hide that as it was only ever once in a while therefore I never saw it as an issue, that was of course until this last tour.."_ as she's telling her side of the story I start to think back on my own memories of that week…

 ** _FLASHBACK_**

 _The plane had just landed and I was now waiting in baggage collection and even though I was tired after all the travelling I was also stupidly excited, I hadn't seen Ashley in 5 months and my god have I missed her, a part of me wished that she could meet me at the airport but I understood that she would probably get mobbed, I'm used to the fame now and getting attention no longer bothers me, I spot my bag and I grab it and head toward the arrivals exit, I spot a guy in a suit holding a sign with my name on it and walk towards him "Hi Miss Carlin" he says in a very English accent "Hi" "let me take your bags, the car is this way" he points towards the doors and I follow him out, we step outside and I see a limo and laugh a little to myself, just like Ashley she is always doing stuff like this for me, he opens the door for me, I thank him and slide into the limo, as I turn to face the front I spot a figure I would recognise anywhere "Oh my god Ash" I squeal and I practically jump on her hugging her, she laughs into my shoulder "Hey Beautiful" she says and I smile in return "I thought you were meeting me back at the hotel?" I lean back and take a long look at her, she has lost some weight since I last saw her but I'm not surprised at that tours are hard work, she is wearing sunglasses so I can't see her eyes so I reach up to remove then but she pulls my hand away I look at her confused and reach up again she lets me remove them this time but straight away looks down "Ash look at me" she slowly looks up and her eyes are all glazed over and her pupils are huge, I shake my head I can't believe she's high "Ashley what the hell? Are you high?" "Spence it's no big deal, I had a gig last night and then we were out until late and I was so tired but I wanted to be here to pick you up so I needed to keep myself awake, OK it's nothing" she reached for my hand but I pulled it away and moved back over to the other side of the limo and crossed my arms over my chest "How often are you getting high Ash?" "Not often, you know same as back in LA, come on Spence don't let this ruin your first day in London" I nod and try to just look forward to spending some time with her._

 _So we have spent the last two days seeing all the sites of London with the added bonus of VIP treatment everywhere we went, As far as I am aware Ashley hasn't taken any drugs since the day she picked me up so I don't think I have anything to worry about, we have both dabbled in the past at parties and other events so I don't see it as a big deal, anyway Ash has a show tomorrow night and sound checks all day so we have decided to chill tonight so that she can get a good night sleep, we have just got back to the hotel and I'm just picking a movie to watch and I look up as she walks in the room "I'm sorry Spence, Mark just rang they want me to go to some club to do some promoting for the record, I can't get out of it, will you come with me please" I sigh but nod "OK yeah sure let's go"._

 _So I think it is about 4am and me and Ashley are both pretty wasted and I know tomorrow is going to suck for her, she is a nightmare when she is hungover, we are finally back at the hotel and I'm trying to convince her it's time to sleep but she doesn't seem to agree with me, I think this is going to be along night…_

 ** _END OF FLASHBACK_**

I snap out of my memories when I hear her say " _I got pretty good at hiding it, making everyone believe it was still only every so often nobody knew that it had slowly become a daily habit, I had even been able to hide it from Spencer until she caught me, that is when it all become so real…"_ I remember that moment like it was yesterday everything went so crazy after that and it all got so out of hand so quickly…

 ** _FLASHBACK_**

 _I've just arrived at the stadium where Ashley is performing tonight, I would have spent all day here but I woke up to a note telling me to chill and not worry about coming until just before the show, she didn't want me to get bored, so it's about an hour before the show starts and I'm heading up to her dressing room, Dave is outside, he waves and moves so I can open the door, I push the door and I gasp at the sight in front of me, she jumps and spins around to face me white powder still on her nose, pupils huge, vacant look on her face she was gone already "What the fuck?" I shout "I thought you were just doing it occasionally" "I am what's the problem Spence" "seriously getting high before you go out on stage not very professional really is it" "back off Spence it's none of your business it was just a little bit to keep me awake, get over it" "get over it? Just a little bit? Don't be stupid Ash your completely fucked look at yourself, how much have you done? How could you be so stupid your about to go out and perform, I thought you were better than this" I think I hit a nerve because she suddenly looked very angry but in an ashamed kind of way as if she was angry that she had been caught, rather than at what I had said "Spencer if you are just going to bitch at me you can leave right now" "How much have you taken?" "none of your business back the hell off" "NO" I scream she looks at me and shouts back "GET OUT" "No I'm not leaving you like this, how often are you doing this?" I know I'm not going to get anything out of her but I have to try "Accept it or don't Spence I don't care because it has fuck all to do with you!" I just stare at her in disbelief, she isn't my Ashley I don't even recognise the girl in front of me "What has happened to you?" "Life happened now leave me alone" I can feel myself starting to cry as I turn and leave the room._

 _The show ended about an hour ago and surprisingly she pulled yet another great performance out of the bag even though she clearly wasn't completely with it, we are now in the VIP area of a club and she hasn't said a single word to me since I left her room earlier, but I need to stay near her and make sure she is Ok, she is currently knocking back drink after drink and flirting with the waitress and then I see her tilt her head back as if she is going to kiss the girl but instead the waitress drops a pill into her mouth, I blink and look back at them and now they are making out, I feel sick and questions start running around my head, How often does she do this? How many different types of drugs is she taking? Why is she doing this? How long has she been lying to me? By the time I look up again she has disappeared and so has the waitress…_

 _About an hour and a half later she stumbles back into the VIP area and trips just before she reaches the table I reach out and catch her she giggles into my neck and mumbles "Spencer you smell really nice" I can't help the blush that hits my face, but that is quickly stopped when I realise why she is saying stuff like that, I need to get her home "come Ashley let's go home" she leans back with a giggle and asks "Is that an offer Miss Carlin?" "No" I bluntly state I'm still mad at her so I don't fancy playing along with her joke. I pull her towards the exit grabbing Dave on the way and head back to the hotel and putting her to bed, I'll talk with her in the morning._

 _She was gone when I woke the next morning and didn't reply to any of my messages or answer my calls, this continues for the next two days no contact at all and I'm worried about her she hasn't been back to the hotel room and the only reason I know she's alive is because Dave is replying to my messages. My phone buzzes I look at it hoping it will be Ashley it's not it's a message from Dave 'Spence Ashley is so messed up tonight she won't listen to me' rather than replying I hit the call button he answers straight away "Where are you Dave I'm coming to get her" "Spence I don't know where she has gone" "WHAT?" I shout seriously he is her bodyguard how could he not know where she is "she went off with some girl so I followed her and waited outside the toilets but she isn't in there now and I don't know where she has gone" "OK I'm coming to you and we will look for her together"._

 _We have been looking for Ashley for a while now with no like and I'm starting to get really worried "God she could be anywhere Dave how are we going to find her" "I don't know Spence, I'm so sorry she was so out of it tonight worse than usual and she wouldn't listen to anyone" "maybe we should check the hotel see if she has gone back there" "good idea, let's go"._

 _I push the door to the room open and call out "Ash are you here?" I get no answer but walk in anyways, I walk towards the bedroom hoping she is going to be in there sleeping off whatever it is she has taken tonight but I am stopped in my tracks by a body lying face down on the floor by the bedroom door "ASHLEY"…._

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	6. Chapter 6

**AUTHORS NOTES:**

 **SO SO sorry for the delay in updating... I went away to Rome for the weekend and I came back to insanity at work, then my little brother came home from living abroad for a year and he brought his girlfriend home to meet the family :-O haha so life has been pretty busy so again my apologies, hopefully you are still enjoying the story, Thank you for reading it and feel free to review if you wish :-)**

CHAPTER 6

 _Previously:_

 _We have been looking for Ashley for a while now with no luck and I'm starting to get really worried "God she could be anywhere Dave how are we going to find her" "I don't know Spence, I'm so sorry she was so out of it tonight worse than usual and she wouldn't listen to anyone" "maybe we should check the hotel see if she has gone back there" "good idea, let's go"._

 _I push the door to the room open and call out "Ash are you here?" I get no answer but walk in anyways, I walk towards the bedroom hoping she is going to be in there sleeping off whatever it is she has taken tonight but I am stopped in my tracks by a body lying face down on the floor by the bedroom door "ASHLEY"…._

 ** _FLASHBACK_**

 _I run over to her and roll her over "ASHLEY, ASH wake up" I'm shaking her shoulders and I can feel the tears starting to roll down my face, god her face is so pale, "Ash please wake up" I lean down and put my ear to her mouth I can't feel her breathing "DAVE CALL AN AMBULANCE" he was waiting outside for me to check the room, I hear the door slam against the wall and turn to see him running into the room "she won't wake up I don't think she's breathing, DAVE HELP HER" he shoves a phone into my hand and says "you need to ring 999 for an ambulance" I'm just sharing at her limp body, my best friend, my world just lying there not moving, not breathing, oh my god I can't lose her "SPENCE phone for help" I snap out of my daze and notice he has started doing CPR, I dial 999 and try to control my tears so I can talk "What service do you need?" "Ambulance please" "OK what's the emergency?" "My best friend she… she isn't breathing, I think she's overdosed please come quickly" "OK what's the address?" "We are in room 209 of the Dorchester hotel in Mayfair" "OK someone is on the way, I need you to stay on the line OK, you say your friend isn't breathing do you know how to do CPR?" "Her bodyguard is here he is already doing it" "good, OK the ambulance is nearly there" everything after that was kind of a blur I just kept staring at Ashley, what happened to cause all of this to spin so out of control, how had I not noticed that it had got this bad, how will I survive if she doesn't? The paramedics arrived and before I knew it we were in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital, we arrive and they pull her off into an area I'm not allowed in, I turn around and fall into Dave's arms and sob, after what felt like forever a doctor came out and called "Spencer Carlin?" "That's me, is she OK?" "Your friend is as well as can be expected, we are currently working to reverse the effect the drugs have had on her body, but it was a close call she is very lucky" "Can I see her?" "Yes you can but we don't know how long it will be before she wakes up" I just nod and follow him to her room. She looked so small and lifeless lying in the middle of the bed with tubes and wires coming out of her, her skin was so pale and I started to cry all over again, I walked over and sit in the seat next to the bed and take hold of her hand, I look at her and think about everything we have been through and how much we could have lost, I gasp as a realisation hits me, I love her she is my everything I couldn't live without her, could I possibly feel more for her than just friendship? Maybe my emotions are just all other the place because of everything that has happened in the last week._

 _I keep hold of her hand and rest my head on her bed whilst tears roll down my face as I try and work through my thoughts and feelings, me and Ashley have been friends since we were 13 years old, but I have never felt this scared for her or so lost at the thought of losing her this week has been an emotional roller-coaster_ _so much has happened and now that I look back on it I am wondering how much of it Ashley spent high and how much she will remember, I mean stuff happened that we haven't even commented on afterwards so does that mean she was high and doesn't remember or just that she doesn't want to talk about it, I am now second guessing everything and I hate it, I am having all these feeling for her flying around inside me and I don't know what to make of it, I mean Ashley doesn't know but I have a boyfriend and he is patiently waiting for me back in the US and his sweet and kind and understanding and I love him well I think I do, but he has never caused a reaction inside me like Ashley has this week._

 _I shake my head and look at her beautiful face, I just need her to get better and then everything can go back to how it was and I will stop feeling like this, it's just because I'm worried about her that's all._

 _I lay my head back on the bed still holding her hand and start to cry, I feel her hand squeeze mine and my head shoots up and my eyes lock with her beautiful brown ones._

 ** _END OF FLASHBACK_**

Ashley POV

 _"…_ _..I woke up in the hospital, Spencer was sat by my bed crying and when I looked at her she looked so scared and broken and that's when I realised that this wasn't just effecting me it was effecting the people I love the most, I knew then that I was going to get clean and stay clean, I had been stupid and I had let things get out of hand, I didn't care about myself but I would not put Spencer through that again"_ I took a deep breath and looked over at Spencer again she was crying but was smiling at me I smiled back and continued barely my soul to the world " _I was lucky that my next gig wasn't for another two or so weeks, so I had time to recover, Mark sent out rumours that I had gone home to spend my down time with friends and family but I actually stayed at the hospital throughout my withdrawal, I was lucky in the sense that I hadn't been heavily using for long before I realised what the hell I was doing to myself so withdrawal wasn't as bad as it could have been and Mark had been able to keep everything out of the papers, so when my next gig date rolled around I felt ok about leaving the hospital and performing, the doctors set me up with a sponsor that spent the rest of the tour by my side and my sister and father flew out to spend some of the tour with me and I ended up with a big support system around me who refused to put me in any situation where drugs might be accessible to me and I am so grateful to everyone that helped me through everything they truly saved my life and I will never be able to thank them enough"_ I take a look around the room at everyone and then I lock my eyes on Spencer and say " _There you have it that's my secret and I am sorry to everyone I have let down and I promise I am trying to be a better person for you..."_ my eyes are still locked on Spencer's and I think she gets that the last part of that was for her I am trying to be a better person for her and I hope she realises she is the reason I am alive, she is my reason for living.

I just wish I could tell her that.


End file.
